The Curious Case Of The Fence Sitters

I'm straight. Seriously

Straight blokes can often be immensely baffling. They wince and scream in disgust when members of the Pink Parade mention anything even remotely anal, and yet they almost always fancy surfing the Hershey Highway with their female companions. Rest assured, when the initial “shock and awe” of discovering their mate’s fetish for male arse is over, they inevitably ask the “how does it feel to take it up the rear” question.

If only they realised where the male G-spot was. *guffaw*

And of course they have this odd assumption that every gay man out there is out to get them. We have taste, thank you very much. If you’re wearing black socks with white sneakers, my friend, rest assured, we’re not looking. We’re sniggering.

Then there are those who appear to be fence sitters. Seemingly homophobic from the outside, but occasionally displaying enough slivers of pink to make you wonder if the only reason they’re sitting on the fence is because they enjoy having something sharp poking them in the rear.

B3 is one such specimen.

He’s apparently straight.
Apparently attached to a girl.
And apparently homophobic.

Considering these “facts” about him, it baffles me how we ended up having this conversation a few days ago in the locker room of one of the clubs after a sweaty bout of RPM with AgentM:

B3 : Eh Nut....can help me figure out my phone ah? Can’t seem to make the headphones work la!
Me : Exsqueeze me. Do I look like Technical Support? *grin*
B3 : Aiyo...help me lah...pleaaaaassseeeee! *sad puppy look*
Me : Sigh. Fine. Hand it over.

*twiddles with B3’s fancy new cellphone, nicely equipped with a matching pair of Bluetooth headphones*

B3 : How ah? Can ah?
Me : Good God. This thing is more complicated than the controls of the Space Shuttle!
B3 : I know laaaa....not as good as your BlackBerry! But can you try to figure it out pretty please? No music I can’t workout lah......*grin*
Me : Next time, just get a BlackBerry. They’re idiot proof.
B3 : You buy for me lah! *grin*
Me : Me? Buy YOU a BlackBerry. And what do I get in return for my investment? *grin*
B3 : I give you one night with me lah! *grin*

*at this point I pause. Images of B3 and me doing the nasty in the bedroom of NewK flash across my head. Appealing. Oddly so. Then I gather myself and decide to play along with the bloke*

Me : One night only? For spending over 1k on you. Hmmm....Talk about poor returns on investment! *guffaw*
B3 : Don’t lah liddat. You’re my first okaaaayyyy *grin*
Me : *jaw drops*

And mind you, this happened during peak hour at the club, when the changing room was chock-full of blokes. Gotta give B3 10 points for brevity (or daftness, depending on how you look at things) on this one. But I must admit the offer, if entirely valid, wasn’t totally unappealing.

To BlackBerry or not to BlackBerry....that is the question. *guffaw*

Nonetheless - a fence sitter? Or just a straight boi who knows how to play his cards around Queens? Not quite sure, but it’s amusing all the same. Baffling, but definitely amusing.

One does wonder though - what if an iPhone 3Gs was on offer? *grin*

Blasted Blues

Third day back at work, and to be absolutely honest, I’m not enjoying it very much. It’s not as easy as I thought, falling back into the blasted rat race.

The infamous post-holiday blues. Bloody pain in the arse it is. *sigh*

A sign of age perhaps. Or the side-effects of a massive overdose of the Nutty New Year merriment. Whatever it may be, I’m feeling a bit “Bleargh”, if you know what I mean.

I miss waking up at 1pm just in time for lunch.

I miss heading to Harvey Norman/Macy’s/IKEA for spontaneous bouts of furniture shopping with M.

I miss being able to leave the blasted BeriHitam at home while I aimlessly wander the streets of KL in search of that next big thing for NewK, gloriously detached from the hustle and bustle of the office.

And most of all.

I kinda miss my privacy.

Yup. You read that right. Your eyes do not deceive.

In case you folks didn’t get the memo, MommaNut and DaddyNut moved down to KL on New Year’s day.

Permanently.

Yeah. My sentiments exactly. *gulp*

This move was, quite frankly, already in the pipeline for Q2 2010, but DaddyNut’s spectacular crash in Betsy Snr. and the resultant lack of mobility for the folks in buttfuck Alor Setar necessitated an accelerated plan to move them to where we could keep an eye on them.

So the end of the 2009 holidays also pretty much meant the end of the comfortable geographical separation that I had enjoyed from the twosome for the past few years. And along with it I suspect, the neat division between my family life and personal life.

Already, hints have been dropped of twice weekly "family dinners". Oh joy. You know how these thrill me.

Fending off the infamous "why aren't you married yet" question is fine once a year at the usual reunion dinner preceding the Chinese New Year, but having to deal with it twice weekly is quite frankly, a chilling thought. One that I fear may potentially lead to a spontaneous "I like dick" outburst from your truly. Not entirely desirable when BOTH MommaNut and DaddyNut are certified cardiac patients.

As much as I love the folks, I’m not quite sure what to make of this particular debacle just yet, for the jury’s still out on what kinda changes are in store for this Nut as a result.

But one thing’s for sure. If ANYONE even DARES suggest that NewK play host to the Queen Mother and her consort on a permanent basis, I swear I’ll backhand them swiftly. And I do suspect one of the Nutty Sisters will have the honours....*guffaw*

I have a feeling the next couple of months will prove to be mighty interesting......stay tuned.

HRH Returns

One month. One friggin month. That’s how long I’ve been bumming about. And it’s something I would recommend in a heartbeat to just about anyone with a 12-hour day job. Which quite frankly, means everyone I know. *snigger*

Welcome to the new year folks!

So what was has this Nut been up to throughout the month of December?

Spending some quality time with the nearest and dearest, naturally:

Going on impromptu roadtrips up North:

Shopping for New Kensington (yes, it hasn’t stopped, this, much to the dismay of my friendly financial advisor):

Helping AgentA settle into her brand spanking new home in Shah Alam:

And obviously, pigging out:

But there was of course “The Accident” to deal with:

Proof positive that anyone who is silly enough to drink and drive deserves to be shot, quartered and then pureed in a KitchenAid.

DaddyNut was in the car when this happened. A drunk driver ploughed into him at high speed as he was pulled over at the side of the road answering a text message. Betsy Snr. is a write-off. But thankfully DaddyNut himself walked away with nothing more than a gash on his scalp. Say what you will about Protons, but if this accident is anything to go by, their cars are definitely more than Milo tins on wheels.

Having to deal with the aftermath of this accident meant that the National Service Boi/Babi Guling/Tomyam holiday route was disrupted somewhat. But on the upside, I did manage to show AgentM what Alor Setar looked like when we both took a trip there to check on the folks.

And as expected, she was a hit with the folks. She tailed me through the unpleasantness of dealing with hospital red-tape whilst discharging DaddyNut from his week-long stay. The folks liked her enough to appoint her official flower-girl to the Nutty Clan:

Though I do suspect they’ve come to a point where the act of me bringing home ANY woman is a good thing. How do I know this? Cos even when AgentM revealed her age, they STILL wanted to know if she was married. *guffaw*

And I can just about imagine the conversation that ensued after AgentM and I left Alor Setar:

MommaNut : Nice lady....a bit older than ideal though.
DaddyNut : Don’t complain. It could’ve been worse.
MommaNut : How much worse could it get? She’s Aunty Lily’s age!
DaddyNut : He could’ve brought home a man instead.
MommaNut : *pondering silence*
DaddyNut : Uh huh. See? Don’t complain.

Desperation does funny things to parents, I tell you that much.

With the holiday plans scuppered, I decided to dedicate the remaining days of the holiday to New Kensington. And I’m happy to report that all major renovation and rectification works with the place have been mercifully completed:

And yes, AgentM got her purple wall in the end. *guffaw*

Curiously enough, I hired a contractor which AgentM recommended - a bunch of 70 year old men with serious balding issues.

When they showed up at NewK, I went “oh Lord....they’re gonna have a cardiac painting the place”. Having someone drop dead before I was even in residence officially wasn’t exactly ideal, I reckoned.

But to my amazement, they replastered the walls, ripped out some unwanted built-ins and painted the whole place in three days flat.

They started work on a Monday, and when I went in on a Wednesday evening to check on their progress, the job was done.

On the phone with AgentM that fateful day:

Me : You’re not gonna believe this, but they’re done.
AgentM : What do you mean they’re done? Did one of them have a cardiac?
Me : No, silly. They’re finished. I’m at the condo. Everything’s done. The walls. The wardrobe. You name it. They’ve done it. The only thing that’s not painted yet is the skirting in the living room.
AgentM : Holy cow. Are they there now?
Me : Nope. They might have gone for tea or something.....lord knows.
AgentM : *pondering silence*
Me : *pondering silence*
AgentM : You SURE none of them had a cardiac?

Un-friggin-believable.

Can’t bloody wait to move into this place.

So there you have it, folks. A cliff notes version of what this Nut’s been up to.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go try on my work clothes. I’m praying very very hard that they still fit......*guffaw*

Liberty Holidays

And so it’s time folks, for that big year end break. At least for this Nut. Admittedly this year, that time has come a little earlier than usual, thanks to an abundance of leave that this Nut needs to clear.

Today marks the last entry on Life Liberty for 2009, as this Nut takes a long break to rest my tired old blogging bones - at least till 2010 swings by.

The office autoreply will soon be set, the clients have been forewarned, and the Emilys have been prepped to just "deal with it" if anything goes Hiroshima while I’m gone. *snigger*

And no, I didn’t force the girls to work through the holiday season. As always, they chose to stay. Quite possibly cos they know this Nut needed them around to hold the fort while I take leave to explore that curious thing called "life" outside the confines of the office. Something which I haven’t been doing much of in the past few months.

Looking back, 2009 has proven to be quite an odd little year. If only because it has been quite a funny mix of highs and lows.

The significant bits, off the top of my head, and in no particular order of precedence:

The Promotion

A very significant point in this Nut’s life for 2009. Especially when, just two years prior, I had given up legal practise and had no intentions of going back. It came as a bit of a shocker for me when I was offered partnership just after a relatively short stint at the firm. After all, I used to chamber under a senior associate who had been at that particular firm for almost 14 years before she was made a junior partner.

Making that jump so soon was a pleasant surprise, and I must say, it has worked out relatively well so far. Sure, my "normal" bedtime has been shot to hell, and all semblance of a typical 9-5 pigeonhole for work stuff has been blown to bits, but it's strangely rewarding. Especially when your year-end KPI report shows a nice "124%" under your departmental billing section.

As one Jerry Maguire once said: "Show me the money!" *guffaw*

The Thai Adventure

A very memorable trip with a bunch of breeders, this one. It’s odd that I actually prefer straight folk as travel companions these days. They’re a wee bit more adventurous. And when the trip involves BKK, I’m very thankful that their interest stretches a little further north of Silom and the various red-light districts.

And a big thank you to Booker. This trip marked the first time we bunked in the same room. And on the same bed. The poor gal put up with a lot of my shit during the trip, namely my inability to wake up before noon, my aversion to heat and sunlight, my tendency to hog the bathroom and my legendary fog-horn snore.

One can only hope that this won't be the last of the loony holiday adventures of Nut & Booker. *grin*

Le Fiasco de Peugeot

If things went as planned, I would be driving around in a brand spanking new Peugeot 308 Turbo by now. But I’m not. And I blame Naza for it. I mean seriously, how hard could it have been to bring in a car in blue when there were already several firm orders for it?

Quite a challenge for the boys at Naza, apparently.

I still find it shocking that the only cars in the WHOLE of Malaysia that you can get in any shade of blue are Toyota’s Corolla & Vios, the Nissan Sylphy, the Honda Jazz and a sprinkling of Audis, BMWs and Volkswagens. Ugly or frighteningly overpriced cars. The choices are mind-numbingly impossible for one as colour-sensitive as me.

And before you ask as to why I'm being such an impossible tyke with colour choices - the way I see it, if you're going to fork out THAT much money on something, you might as well get it in a colour you fancy. And I don't fancy anything at the moment, cos everything else seems to come in what appears to be sixteen different shades of silver, one ugly shade of gold, black and white. Bloody hell. Which is why six months on, I’m still shopping for my next car. *groan*

Losing the Work Spouse

It wasn’t unexpected, this. She had talked about it for months before she actually tendered. Pins was going through a rough spot in her life and work wasn’t doing much to alleviate it, so she finally decided to make a clean break and take some time off to weigh her options. She left the NuttyFirm last quarter. I still miss her silly antics. Our little adventures when we decided to skive from work. Her ridiculous collection of shoes in her room. And most of all, her infectious laughter.

Discovering Alcohol-Intolerant Friends

Some folk just can't hold their arsenic. Or their booze, for that matter. AgentM is, rather unfortunately, one of the latter. It's always fun when you discover, for the first time, how your friends react to alcohol.

In M's case, she turned into this giggling, fumbling mess of purple chiffon. On her birthday, no less. After just four, yes you read that right - FOUR - drinks. Endless source of amusement which I suspect, will be repeated when I throw my New Year's Eve party. And a certain incriminating video gets shown in full High-Definition glory.

I just hope to hell she doesn't do what TripleL did three years back. She flopped over my bedroom window and hurled the contents of her stomach into the swimming pool. Twenty-three floors down. Not pretty. *guffaw*

My First Lawsuit

Living up to the usual lawyer stereotype, I sued someone this year. For a nice fat figure of twenty-five big ones. Why? Cos she backed out of a deal to sell me her place shortly after the ink had dried on the offer to purchase agreement, that’s why.

This was the Opal Damansara condo which I wanted so badly back then. For the mere reason that it was :

(a) It was near my current apartment, which made moving spectacularly easy; and
(b) It came fully furnished, which meant that I could just move in with my clothes and little else.

Sometimes the threat of a lawsuit is enough to scare the bajeezus out of people, and that tactic worked in this instance. I didn’t get 25k, but she did return the remainder of the deposit which she stupidly enough, held on to, and paid me an additional 5k in settlement payments. Which, by the way, went straight toward the sofa budget for New Kensington *grin*

Oh that gorgeous piece of leathery heaven! I just can't wait to sprawl on that in all sorts of compromising positions!

On hindsight, it was a good thing that the deal fell through, cos now with the infamous closure of Jalan Tanjung, the traffic in and around Opal has gone to the dogs, literally. Every morning I peer out my window and see a stupendously long line of cars trying to make their way out of the condo complex, fighting their way to merge into traffic diverted from the entire Tropicana neighbourhood right to their doorsteps.

I hear property values for the place have already plummeted by 10-15% since Jalan Tanjung closed. Payback is indeed a bitch. Especially when it comes in unexpected forms. Like depreciation.

New Kensington

My new pride and joy, this. After the debacle that was Opal, it was a relief that I eventually found a place I fancied just as much, if not more. Although sitting on the wrong side of the half a million Ringgit threshold, unfurnished, I still loved the place enough to place a deposit after just seeing it once.

I’ve always liked The Surian. The low-density complex, spacious driveways, tasteful landscaping, ample car parks and comprehensive amenities were all pretty good things to have in my books. Its walking distance to my favourite mall certainly helped to no end, as did the 10ft high ceilings and the floor-to-ceiling lanai windows.

As I write this though, Booker’s still fighting to get the keys for me. Tell you this much, there is no such thing as a straightforward transaction when it comes to buying houses and such. There will ALWAYS be delays, whether they’re caused by your contractors or some other factor beyond your control.

As the saying goes – “shit happens”.

Right now I’m just hoping I can start renovations before Christmas and move in by New Year’s Eve. I’m keeping my toes, fingers and all other bodily bibs and bobs crossed and praying super-hard that it happens sooner rather than later. Cos Lord knows I’ll be needing a hotel room by January if it doesn’t. *sigh*

But nonetheless, on a balance of things, I reckon it’s been a good run for me this year. As 2010 looms, I can only hope that it’ll be more of the same good stuff next year.

Though a larger paycheque and a nicer, fatter figure in my bank account would be awfully nice too. *guffaw*

In the meantime, I plan to enjoy my month-long break to the fullest. Even though I have that much-maligned Blackberry to keep me apprised of the coming-and-goings at the office (cos really, the last thing you want is to come back in January 2010 and find files blowing up in your face), that’s not gonna stop me from heading on the usual BKK/Bali/SG Nutty escapades.

Also known as the “Tomyam/Babi Guling/National Service Boi” holiday route.

So with that ladies and gents, Life Liberty goes on its customary year-end hiatus. I’ll still be sporadically scribbling thoughts on Facebook, so do feel free to check in if you have the time and you happen to be on my feed. And if I’m sufficiently bored, I might even try to re-discover that odd little thing called Twitter. If only because data roaming charges are considerably cheaper when you're limited to 140 characters or less. *snigger*

“So much to say, so little space!”

Anyhow, to everyone out there, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

And if you happen to be heading somewhere chilly for that authentic yuletide experience, remember to stay warm. Preferably with one of these:

Oh. And that parka might prove handy too. *guffaw*

In any case, stay safe, enjoy the Christmas break, have an awesome New Year's and I’ll see you guys back here next year!

Nut. Signing off for 2009.

On Growing Old and All That Jazz

On MSN earlier today, old man Josh and I came up with a little list. A little list that goes a little something like this:

You know you’re old when:

(1) Getting out of bed is an orchestrated effort to not break anything crucial to human locomotion;

(2) Like any old car, you need about 10 minutes to warm up properly in the mornings;

(3) And just like any old car, you belch all manner of gaseous discharges until you’re properly warm;

(4) You remember the lyrics to any number of Rick Astley, Debbie Gibson or Martika songs;

(5) You can hum the tune from Knight Rider;

(6) You can hum the tune from Airwolf;

(7) Hell, you can hum the tune from the Cosby Show;

(8) You remember Remington Steele, Dallas and The Colbys;

(9) You know what AM radio is;

(10)You remember when shoulder pads were all the rage;

(11)You remember the days when any name with a small letter “i” in front was considered a mere typo rather than a fashion trend;

(12)You remember what life was like before ASTRO;

(13) “getting a little action” these days, means that you’re being a wee bit brave and getting a quad shot latte instead of your usual triple;

(14) “Happy hour” means a nice mid-afternoon nap at the office;

(15)Going out on Fridays seems like awfully hard work;

(16)You have an irresistible urge to buy a station wagon. Or a minivan. Or an SUV. With 7 seats;

(17)You realise that there are now two things on you that buckle. Your belt and your knees;

(18)You feel awkward when someone calls you “boi”;

(19)Your idea of an adventure is limited to watching National Geographic on tele;

(20)You’d really rather take a nap than get frisky with someone.

Aging kinda sucks, doesn’t it? Especially when yours truly scores a perfect 20/20 on this test of sorts.

As Isaac Asimov once wrote:

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.”

So true it hurts.

But as with all journeys, good company makes all the difference. And I’m thankful in so many ways that I’ve got some of the best travel buddies around.

So guys, and you know who you are, thanks for all the birthday wishes.

Thanks for the cakes and such:

Thanks for the gifts:

And most of all, thanks for the company!

"Transitioning" is a lot more pleasant when you’re surrounded by loons like you! *guffaw*

And in case you missed the memo. Happy birthday to meeeee :P

Now curtsy, dammit! *guffaw*